Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
