yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
