12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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