Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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