on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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