Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
