god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
