You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
