I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
