She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
