I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
