I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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