You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize