Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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