just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
