I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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