I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
