so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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