How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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