I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
