great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
