Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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