this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
