IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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