if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
