when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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