What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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