I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
