I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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