how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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