stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
