shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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