proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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