What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
40s are totally the cure
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
