maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
