he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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