saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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