i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
