dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
