I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
