I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
