if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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