I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
