so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
we made out on top of his cat.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
