i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
