Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize