my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
