So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
