I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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