Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize