Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
