Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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