I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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