My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize