Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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