Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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