apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize